


nine to go

by taeminkki



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, JRen - Freeform, M/M, Past JRen, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Set during ep 10 of P101, Smut, nu'est - Freeform, this is short but there is some mature content so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 18:07:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11167242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminkki/pseuds/taeminkki
Summary: The emotional turmoil Minki's been through the past few weeks on this hellish reality show catches up with him, dragging up some old demons with it (set after P101 episode 10 elimination).JRen





	nine to go

**Author's Note:**

> this is short but basically i'm living vicariously through JR motivating minki in this fic because i need minki to know he is loved and special and wonderful
> 
> also i like jren

When they finally return to the dorms that night, the silence is different.

It’s somehow heavier, thicker, laden with a jumbled mess of emotion that the trainees are far too exhausted to even begin to identify. They trudge back to their rooms wordlessly, ignoring the fact that there are far fewer footsteps echoing through the halls tonight.

Choi Minki is among the last to arrive, his head too clouded by the disbelief that he’s actually  _ still here. _ He wanders down the corridor, observing the faces around him, faces with lines beyond their age and dullness in their eyes. It pains Minki to see because they’re all  _ so young  _ and yet they remind him horribly of himself; he too had entered the idol life with stars in his eyes and the world at his feet. Then this industry, this ruthless, fucked up industry had crushed those dreams repeatedly. Of course. He hates seeing his history repeat itself on these kids, and yet he knows he can’t do a single thing about it.

Reliving that moment again, the moment he had been so sure that he was being sent home, sends a shudder through Minki’s body. The voices of Pledis managers and CEOs play through his mind in a discordant rhythm.

_ “…you know we can’t keep giving them to you at this point…“ _

_ “…I mean at least top 20 for all of you seems reasonable to me…“ _

_ “…one of you minimum in the final group, or this is looking like the end…“ _

_ “…I’m sorry, boys…” _

Minki only realizes he’s shaking when he feels a sudden pain in his biceps from where his nails are gripping harshly, arms wrapped tight around himself. His chest feels heavy and his eyes dart frantically around the room, searching for an exit. Air. Yes, air is good.

He finds the door and pushes it open with two hands before his back collapses weakly against the building’s back wall, eyes scrunching shut tight enough he sees explosions of color behind his lids. It’s all okay, he tells himself. They made it. They’re all in the top 20 and Jonghyun for sure (and likely Minhyun too) are basically guaranteed positions in the final 11. NU’EST is saved, for the thousandth and last time.

And yet, all he can feel is weakness in his bones, liquid burning his eyes at how he’d basically been completely useless in helping to achieve it.

“…Minki? Is that you there?”

A voice startles him from his thoughts, a deep, raspy tone he knows better than any other. Part of Minki is relieved to have a distraction, but most of him is stressed at having been found in this condition.

Jonghyun’s form rounds the corner fully and Minki dabs desperately at his eyes with the back of his sleeve in a last-ditch attempt to not look as pathetic as he feels right now.

“It is you,” Jonghyun says slowly. “What are you doing out here alone?”

Minki takes a second to compose his voice, looking straight ahead in order to avoid eye contact.

“I… was getting a bit stuffy in there. Thought I’d get some fresh air.” Shit. His voice wavers on the last word, and from years of working together he knows one hundred percent that this won’t slip past the ever-perceptive leader. Jonghyun’s eyebrows furrow enough that Minki can read his expression perfectly even in the dark. He approaches the boy slowly, as if Minki is a cornered animal on a wildlife documentary the cameraman doesn’t want to frighten away, leaning next to him on the wall, close enough that Minki can feel Jonghyun’s body heat radiating into his side.

“What’s going on?” the leader asks softly. “You know you can tell me anything.”

He’s right. Jonghyun has calmed him through countless panic attacks over the past 5 years, something he’ll be eternally thankful for.

“I made it,” is all Minki answers.

Jonghyun smiles a little. “You did. I knew you would.”

“Top 20, all of us. That’s what we wanted.”

“Yeah,” says Jonghyun, looking slightly confused. It’s clear he’s not sure where this is heading.

Minki turns to him, the unshed tears shining in his eyes just barely illuminated in the dim lighting. “Then… why do I feel so useless?” he asks in a small voice.

Jonghyun blinks, but otherwise displays no reaction, and there’s a moment of silence wherein it’s obvious that he’s carefully considering his response. Minki begins to regret dragging this man into his inward turmoil again, for the millionth time.

“I… don’t know why you would feel that way,” Jonghyun finally answers. “Because it’s completely untrue.”

“Right,” Minki says bitterly. “That’s why you have the entire country in love with you, and Minhyun’s melting everyone’s hearts, and Baekho’s got a screaming fanclub,” He takes a shaky breath. “And me… I’m just here being thankful I’m even still _here_ to do… what, exactly?”

“To be you,” Jonghyun responds without missing a beat. “To sing with that voice and make people love that shining personality of yours.”

Minki flushes a little. “That hasn’t been working very well so far.”

Jonghyun turns to him, frustration evident on his face (well, as outwardly frustrated as Jonghyun ever gets). “That’s only because they’re not letting everyone  _ see  _ it,” he says. His fists clench and unclench by their sides. “It’s not your fault that they choose who they want to be the star of their show.”

“I suppose so,” Minki returns quietly.

“Honestly, I’d much rather all of this be happening to you than me.” Jonghyun softens. “Really.”

Minki’s bottom lip quivers as he smiles a little. “But I’m glad it’s happening to you. Really,” he echoes softly. “All these years you’ve been invisible, and seeing everyone finally realize how incredible you… and the others, are… it makes me so happy.”

Something warm crosses Jonghyun’s face and then Minki feels the touch of his hand against his own, fingers intertwining with his and gripping tightly. He swallows, his pulse quickening for the first time in weeks that isn’t from anxiety. Jonghyun’s thumb brushes gently and reassuringly over his knuckles.

Somehow the contact is all it takes for Minki’s tears to finally escape, splashing from his cheeks onto the concrete, and Jonghyun’s expression conveys an ache he’s rarely seen from him. Minki attempts to look away, embarrassed and guilty, but the leader moves in front of him, forcing his eye contact. Jonghyun doesn’t let go of his hand.

“I just… don’t know how to be helpful to you guys anymore,” Minki whispers through his tears.

“And that’s exactly what makes you special,” Jonghyun says gently. “You care so much. People can’t help but love you.”

Jonghyun takes his other hand gently, holding them both gingerly between his own. It suddenly strikes Minki how close the two of them are standing now, with his back against the bricks and nowhere to run away. It feels warm and cold at the same time, tense, but intimate, and he blinks at Jonghyun, who is looking at him with a tenderness in his gaze that makes his heart race.

“Minki… Rennie… we would have disbanded a thousand times over by now if it weren’t for you. You kept us going. Don’t ever feel like you aren’t important, because that’s nowhere even close to true.”

A hiccup escapes his throat, his hands trembling from the effort to not finally break down after all these weeks of his nerves being entirely shot. “You’ll… come back, right? After the contract,” Minki manages finally. “We’ll still be together?” His voice is small, hopeful.

Jonghyun’s grasp finally loosens on Minki’s fingers and his hands travel up to his cheekbones, brushing the tears there away with both thumbs. “Are you kidding?” he smiles a bit. “Of course we will. I’m still JR, you’re Ren… nothing is going to change. We’re going to stay together. Like Shinhwa, remember?”

Minki nods weakly, his entire body still trembling as if all of the past months’ exhaustion and stress have hit him at once collectively. “R-right,” he says, then laughs a little at himself. “Sorry…. I’m shaking, I can’t seem to--”

And then suddenly, but finally, he feels Jonghyun lurch forward and press his lips against his own.

Minki stiffens for just a second out of surprise, before relaxing against his leader as he calms him down the only way he’d ever been able to before. It’s been so long that the sensation feels both foreign and familiar to him. He’s overcome with a sudden tidal wave of old emotions, and it hasn’t hit him just how  _ badly  _ he’s missed Jonghyun’s touch until this moment.

Minki’s eyes flutter closed as their lips begin to move together slowly, picking up their old rhythm with ease. He can feel the wetness of his cheeks press against Jonghyun’s and it’s unpleasant but he doesn’t care at all; the sensation of Jonghyun’s mouth on his, the heat of his breath, his strong and gentle hands gripping the sides of his face, that’s all that he can take in right now.

Minki loses himself in it.

He grips Jonghyun’s collar in his fist, taking advantage of his surprise at the action and swiping his tongue over his lower teeth. Jonghyun makes a soft sound at the back of his throat, his soft reassuring kiss having been turned into something more entirely. Evidently, he decides to go with it, though. Pushing his weight further against Minki’s body, he presses the boy more firmly into the wall, making Minki gasp. Jonghyun takes the opportunity to lick into his mouth, sucking gently on his tongue, and Minki’s legs wobble as he lets out a small whimper.

Minki kisses back even harder, overwhelmed by the feeling of Jonghyun everywhere and all around him. An ache spreads through his chest as he’s suddenly assaulted by images of a past he’d tried desperately to forget.

_ An affectionate hand drapes heavily over his shoulder and squeezes. “You did a great job today,” Jonghyun grins that show-stopping smile. “Everyone was really impressed, you looked adorable.” Minki looks away, hiding his reddening cheeks. _

_ - _

_ They sit awkwardly beside each other on the couch, the tension static. “Look, I’m really flattered that you feel that way about me,” Jonghyun says carefully. “And, I care about you a lot and I know we uhm… seem to have something different, than the others do.” _

_ “Different?” Minki tries. _

_ “But I… I just don’t think I can have  _ **_those_ ** _ kinds of feelings towards a guy. I’m… I’m really sorry.” _

_ Minki’s world shatters. _

_ - _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ “It’s fine.” _

_ “I really mean it,” he pleads. “I do care about you, Rennie. I just… I want things to go back to how they were before. Between us.” _

_ Minki sighs, pressing his fingers to his temples. “I know, I do too. It’s just hard right now, okay? Just being around you.” _

_ - _

_ “I’m not gonna lie and say I haven’t thought about it.” _

_ “About what?” _

_ “Us. Sometimes I look at you and I imagine things that I…” Jonghyun trails off, embarrassed and fidgeting, looking anywhere but at Minki. “Well, things I shouldn’t be thinking about my friend.” He runs a hand through his hair. “It’s driving me crazy, I just-- agh. I can’t do it anymore.” _

_ Minki’s heart stutters. “What are you saying?” _

_ “I’m saying... I think I like you, Minki. I… really, really like you.” _

_ - _

_ His platinum blonde hair is strewn messily across crisp sheets, Jonghyun hovering over him, pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses to every piece of skin he can reach, their bodies moving together as they make love. _

_ Minki moans sweetly at the feeling of Jonghyun fucking him hard into the mattress, whispering sweet words into his ear, that he’s beautiful, perfect, how happy he is. _

_ He comes exactly three seconds after Jonghyun tells him that he loves him. _

-

Like all good things in his life, of course, it had had to come to an end. Their very real relationship, Minki's first love, sacrificed for the sake of the group. 

Always, everything was for the sake of the group.

Minki’s fists tighten in Jonghyun’s shirt, and the leader’s hands wander down his sides to grasp his hips, hard. He reflexively bucks against Jonghyun, grinding them together and causing a low, raspy groan to escape Jonghyun’s throat. They explore each other’s mouths deeply, rediscovering parts of one another they’d sorely missed.

“J-Jongh... _ ah, _ ” Minki gasps into him, jutting forward and feeling Jonghyun’s half-hardness rub against his own.

And then he senses the leader’s movements begin to slow, his hands that had been rubbing circles on the flesh of his hips dropping to his sides.

_ No. No, no. _

He kisses Jonghyun harder.

“Minki…” he murmurs against his mouth. “Mi-Minki, stop…”

“Don’t,” the younger pleads, his teeth pulling at Jonghyun’s lower lip.  _ Don’t do this now. _

Jonghyun breaks from his mouth and Minki can feel the tears begin to well up in his eyes again, the pretty illusion he’d created just for a few minutes finally dissipating. The leader rests his forehead against his own.

“We can’t do this,” he says softly, breathlessly, returning to gently stroking Minki’s face with now somewhat shaky fingers.

Minki feels insubordinate. “Why can’t we?”

“You know exactly why.” The sadness in his tone is obvious, and for a moment Minki allows himself to indulge in the fantasy of being in another life. A life where everything is normal and they’re not idols and he can spend his life watching stupid anime with Jonghyun and making out lazily on the couch all Sunday afternoon.

Why? Why can’t he be selfish just for once? It’s cruel and unbelievably unfair.

“I just… miss you,” Minki admits. “I miss this.” Jonghyun exhales, closing his eyes.

“I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for things to go that far, I… shouldn’t have done that,” he says, a pained expression crossing his features. Minki’s heart twists.

“But I wanted to.”

“...Me too,” Jonghyun admits.

They’re quiet for a second, the heaviness of the moment bearing down on them like a weight on their shoulders. Deep down, Minki knows Jonghyun is right, and that’s the most infuriating part. This could potentially be the break NU’EST has been hoping and working for for five whole years; they can’t possibly risk messing it up now. This is just how it has to be.

“Hey,” says Jonghyun seriously. “I love you, Rennie.”

Minki catches his breath, but before he can echo the statement, Jonghyun is pressing the softest of kisses to his forehead, his lips velvety and damp, and Minki’s mouth snaps closed once again.

“Get some sleep,” Jonghyun says at last, smiling as he steps away from him. “We’ve got a lot of practice to do tomorrow.”

And then he disappears back around the corner, taking the piece of Minki’s heart he’d likely always own, with him.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at 2am im sorry


End file.
